Below this sentence, you will find an abridged version of court proceedings from the case, “Loud Chewers vs. The People”
Bailiff: All rise for the Honorable Judge Judy presiding
Judge Judy: You may be seated. Now plaintiff, please tell me why you you’re here today?
The People: Your honor, we speak on behalf of anyone repulsed by the incessant sounds of a person either chewing food or slurping a drink/beverage. (looks at the defendant) We know you like what you’re eating, that’s why you chose it! We don’t need to hear every single bite, it’s awful!
Loud Chewers: Your honor, I object!
Judge Judy: Sustained!
Loud Chewers: (Starts loudly chewing a piece of hubba bubba bubble gum) Your honor, for years (smacks lips) we’ve been accosted by society for simply enjoying our food. (Slurps loudly from a can of Sierra Mist) We can’t help the natural sounds that occur when we eat or drink.
Judge Judy: Oh lord, you’re so irritating! The court fines in favor of the plaintiff. Loud chewers, you must stop loudly chewing and drinking at once, or you must eat in a sound-proofed box.
My apologies, I just have an issue with the person sitting next to me as I write this. Here’s what you missed in the news yesterday.
Well, There Goes The One Reason For Watching
The White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner takes place every year and, historically, once the President pokes fun at the press corps, an activity I assume President Trump would drop everything to take advantage of the opportunity to participate in, the featured comedian takes the stage to playfully fire back some light jabs at the President. It is for this reason that CSPAN actually has significant viewers every year, but the WHCA announced on Monday that there will be no featured comedian this year, but author Ron Chernow will be the keynote speaker.
“As we celebrate the importance of free and independent news media to the health of the republic, I look forward to hearing Ron place this unusual moment in the context of American history.”
–Olivier Knox, Chief Washington Correspondent, SiriusXM, and President of the WHCA
Without a comedian present, I wonder how many Americans will tune in to this year’s coverage of the dinner.
Mars Rover, Mars Rover, Send A Spaceship Right Over
After five years of debates of astronomical proportions, NASA announced on Monday that the Jezero Crater will be the official landing site for the Mars 2020 rover mission. The rover mission, per NASA’s press release, will launch in July 2020 as we continue our exploration of the Red Planet. The rover will search for habitable conditions and “past microbial life” as well as “collect rock and soil samples and store them in a cache on the planet’s surface.”
“The landing site in Jezero Crater offers geologically rich terrain, with landforms reaching far back as 3.6 billion years old, that could potentially answer important questions in planetary evolution and astrobiology. Getting samples from this unique area will revolutionize how we think about Mars and its ability to harbor life”
–Thomas Zurbuchen, Associate Administrator, NASA
Every Wombat Poops
Mankind still has many unanswered questions and we’ve tasked the world’s greatest minds with unraveling these mysteries. Is water wet? Is a hotdog a sandwich? Was the dress black/blue or white/gold? Most recently, zoologists have wrestled with one of the animal kingdom’s most colossal conundrums.
Why is wombat poop cube-shaped?
According to CNN, the wombat, native to Australia, produces roughly 80 – 100 cubes of poop every single day, but healthy bowels aside, scientists have yet to figure out how the poop is akin to a pair of brown dice, until now!
“In the built world, cubic structures are created by extrusion or injection molding, but there are few examples of this feat in nature. We investigated how wombats produce cubic feces, through investigation of the structure and mechanics of two dissected alimentary systems of wombats — derived from veterinary euthanized individuals following motor vehicle collisions.”
–American Physical Society
In other words, scientists found roadkill-edition wombats and inflated their intestines to see that their intestinal walls stretch unevenly, “allowing for the formation of the cubic shapes.”
