A man walks into a bar, makes his way over to a set of bar stools and takes a seat. The bartender says, “evening, sir…what’ll it be?” The man orders a shot of Jameson and awaits his beverage. “Hey, I like those pants…” The man turns around to find that he’s the only patron in the bar. Is he hearing things? The bartender slides him his drink and the man swiftly throws the shot back. “Impressive, you’re one cool guy!” The man must be going crazy. He calls the bartender over and says, “bartender, I keep hearing a voice say nice things about me, and I can’t, for the life of me, figure out where it’s coming from.”
The bartender says, “oh, it’s the nuts, their complementary.” Now that I’ve wasted several moments of your life, allow me to repay you with insight as to what you missed in the news yesterday.
What To Say When Every Major Democrat Receives A Pipe Bomb
Earlier this week, George Soros, billionaire philanthropist, and proud Democrat, received a mysterious package containing a pipe bomb. The next day, on Wednesday, the U.S. Secret Service intercepted not one, but five packages containing explosive devices meant to be delivered to former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, former President Barack Obama, former Attorney General Eric Holder, Rep. Maxine Waters (D-CA) and former CIA Director John Brennan. The bomb meant for Brennan was mistakingly sent to the Time Warner Building in New York, New York, home to the CNN newsroom.
The CIA and FBI have yet to identify the person or persons responsible for these attempted attacks, as well as what their modus operandi was. The White House was quick to condemn these attempts of domestic terrorism, but it is curious that all intended targets are those who President Trump regularly criticizes.
In all truth, bomb threats are committed by radical extremists, not individuals frustrated with government officials, but NBC posited that the one exception to this rule is anti-abortion activists who, over the years, have bombed health centers, and committed acts of arson.
Remarkably, all explosive devices were defused and luckily no one was harmed.
“911, What’s Your Emergency?” “Umm, There’s a Nazi Era Fighter Jet On The Freeway..”
I wish I was creative enough to make this up, but alas, I am not. Drivers traveling on the I-101 Freeway in Agoura Hills, CA were held up in traffic for a different reason than usual, when a vintage aircraft with the markings of Nazi Germany’s Luftwaffe crashed onto the freeway on Wednesday, bursting into flames.
According to ABC News, the plane was not an actual WWII aircraft, but rather a North American At-6/SNJ trainer aircraft used for themed parades, and mock dogfights.
“I picked a spot on the freeway where I knew there was a big section of cars that weren’t there,” said pilot Rob Sandberg. “The engine completely failed. I was able to, fortunately, not hurt anybody other than the airplane.”
Just wait until the führer hears about this!
U2 To Play Strongest Storm To Hit US, Wait, That Can’t Be, Right?
That’s because it isn’t. A massive super typhoon named “Yutu” slammed into the Northern Mariana Islands with Category 5 winds on Wednesday. According to reports, Super Typhoon Yutu has sustained winds of about 180mph — some of the fastest wind speeds on record. Meteorologists are calling Yutu “Earth’s strongest storm of 2018,” as well as “one of the most intense hurricane strikes on record for the United States and its territories.”
Over 50,000 people reside in the Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands, all of whom who have seen firsthand 20-foot storm swells and over 10 inches of rainfall.
“Devastating damage is expected. The collapse of some residential structures will put lives at risk. Airborne debris will cause extensive damage.. Person …pets..and livestock struck by the wind-blown debris will be injured or killed.”
–National Weather Service
Recent weather reports indicate that the storm is heading away from the Mariana Islands, but as Super Typhoon Yutu heads northwest, countries like the Philippines or Taiwan are in the line of fire.
